This is the ultimate question we get when talking about the benefits of couples and family therapy. Our answer is loud and clear: We do not encourage anyone who is an actively abusive relationship to seek couples counseling with their abusive partner, because abuse is not a relationship problem.

Abuse receives all of it’s power from an unequal power structure in a relationship. Couples counseling will not resolve an unfair and unequal power structure; especially when the abuser is actively benefitting from it.  

In fact, there is much risk associated with initiating couples counseling with an actively abusive partner, including:

• Abuser using what is said in therapy against the victim afterwards.

• Risk of abuser feeling embarrassed or angered by what is said, may act out later to regain a sense of control, putting victim and/or others in danger.

• Abusee may not be able to identify or speak to all/certain abusive behaviors honestly if abuser is in the room.

• Therapist may not know about abuse at all, rendering their support and applications ineffective.

If you believe that your marriage, relationship, or family may involve any form of violence or abuse, it’s important to share it with someone who can help. But be sure to do so safely. Reaching out for support when you’re in an abusive relationship can be scary, especially if there are barriers to having a safe phone. Check out our resources for hotlines and local services you can secure for safe support in getting out of your current abusive situation.

While we deeply believe and honor that every human is capable of change, we also believe that in order to change an individual must first want that change for themselves. Internal motivation is the engine in the vehicle of change; without it, the vehicle can’t go very far. Lots of the variables behind abusive behaviors are learned attitudes, which can be difficult to unlearn. Most people do not like to acknowledge when and how they have hurt others, but it is a requirement to initiate and sustain change.

Abusive tactics can be overt (i.e. obvious) or deeply nuanced and covert (i.e. discreet, under the radar). For those who have grown up in, or are currently existing in an abusive environment, it can be difficult to ascertain if there is active abuse happening. Some warning signs of active domestic abuse can include:

• Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you (in front of others or privately)

• Showing extreme jealousy of time spent away with others, i.e. friends, family or work

• Controlling finances without discussion, taking your money, refusing to provide money, refusing to return money

• Pressuring physical/sexual activity that you are not comfortable with

• Intimidating you by purchasing weapons, leaving weapons out/around, or threatening you with weapons directly

• Destroying your belongings or your home

• Pressuring you to use drugs/alcohol

• Preventing you from spending time with others, i.e. friends, family, peers

• Preventing you from making decisions about work, school, career

• Threatening to take/harm pets, children

• Controlling your ability to communicate with others; i.e. taking your phone, turning off your phone service, pressuring you to move far away from support network, isolating internet access, etc.

If you still aren’t sure if you’re in an actively abusive situation, check out our resources for more information including websites, hotlines, and materials that can help you gain insight and clarity into your situation and how to safely secure support.